Yesterday we learned about Jesus and his casual relationship with Christmas.  Sadly, more people associate Christmas with Santa Claus than Jesus.  However, like Jesus, there is quite a bit of science behind the stories of this jolly fellow.

But first a refresher.  Who is Santa and what does he do?  Santa Claus is a fat old man who lives at the North Pole with a bunch of little elves.  No he’s not a sex offender, he makes toys.  Every Christmas Eve, he gets into his sleigh, pulled by flying reindeer, and goes through the chimneys of every house to drop off the toys as presents.  So he’s a sex offender and a breaking & entering artist, lovely.

There are many problems with Santa’s setup. Let’s first talk about reindeer. All the reindeer have names like Dasher, Prancer, Donner, and Blitzen. Most would guess that these reindeer are males. The problem is Santa’s reindeer almost always have antlers, and in the winter only females have antlers, males lose theirs. There’s also the matter of flying. Reindeer do not fly. So perhaps Santa has genetically engineered some male reindeer with antlers that can fly. If that is the case then I suggest we give them a new name: butt-faced unicorn.

But maybe the reindeer are just for show, maybe it’s Santa’s sleigh which holds all the flying magic. The sleigh could be made of a special metal that is lighter and stronger than anything else out there. The propulsion is provided by some unknown technology that only the guys from Star Trek to analyze. All this is possible, especially to a Sci-Fi geek.

However, there is one other problem. Santa visits every child to give them a toy in one night. How can he visit billions of people in just one night? He can take advantage of the time zones which would give him two hours in each time zone. Such a strategy would actually give Santa a total of 48 hours to do his work, but that still isn’t’ enough. Bending physics as about all he has left. Thankfully his sleigh is equiped to handle such issues. Besides the fact that he has to travel at speeds that would kill a normal person, he’d have to stop just as quickly. The sleigh must be using some kind of stablizers and dampeners that, again, only the folks of Star Trek would understand.

But there are still more problems. How can Santa fit down a chimney? I’m not a skinny guy, but Santa is much bigger than me and I know I can’t fit in most chimneys. And what about people that don’t have chimneys? I don’t have one. Is he going to come through an air vent? Well, to answer this question you need to see Tim Allen in The Santa Clause. These issues are solved.

Finally, how does Santa haul all those toys? Delivering billions of toys in one sleigh in one night has to be a logistical nightmare. Remember the elves? I don’t think they’re making the toys at the North Pole. All they’re doing up there is planning and practicing, because they spend all night in the sleigh, making the toys on site. They get resources from whatever is available locally and build as Santa is delivering. They’re small, so they don’t take up much space.
All this seems like quite a stretch of the imagination to believe in. Well that’s the whole point. Based on our understanding of science and physics, it’s impossible for Santa to exist. But if he does exist and is using all this futuristic stuff, I’d say his greatest gift would to be sharing his technology instead of giving kids some toys.

Read more about Santa’s technology here and here.  You can read more about Santa in general here.

By The Weakonomist

The Weakonomist is the founder of Weakonomics. Clicking the picture of the puppy will tell you more about him. If you like what you're reading consider subscribing to the blog, following him on Twitter, and checking out the related posts below. Please consider a donation if you really enjoy Weakonomics.

categories: Uncategorized, technology