America’s ugliest companies have been rebranding as a way to hide their image behind a new face.  It’s surprising how well it can work.  AIG’s auto insurance company recently switched over to 21st Century Insurance, and GMAC bank just launched an online bank called Ally Bank.  First Union absorbed Wachovia in the early 2000’s and trashed that brand.  Now Wells Fargo is abolishing it altogether.  JP Morgan Chase will likely do the same with WaMu and don’t expect Bank of America’s Countrywide to be around forever.

It got me thinking, how can we rebrand other aspects of our lives in order to make them sound more appealing?  This may perhaps become a recurring theme on Weakonomics, so I wanted to start off with rebranding criminals.  Here’s what I’ve found.

Pimp – Mortgage Broker
They say, “it’s hard out there for a pimp.”  I’m not entirely sure what that means, perhaps they struggle with the legalities of their business, or is it losing employees to competitors, or perhaps keeping those employees from striking out on their own and competing against you.  It’s no wonder they are so similar to mortgage brokers.  Brokers have these same problems.  In both cases the one in charge usually doesn’t interact with the customer, they instead take a percentage of the commission from making the sale.

Drug Dealer – Retailer
What is a drug dealer but simply someone selling wholesale goods.  He buys product from the supplier, adds a small premium, and sells to the customer.  Sometimes he’ll even have a line of credit with the wholesaler, allowing him move more product using less cash.  We all like free samples; drug dealers and retailers alike offer free samples of products to either get new customers or introduce a new product to an existing customer.

Drug Trafficker – Logistics Manager
OK, our shipment is coming out of Colombia on Wednesday, it should be in Jamaica by Thursday, and going through customs in Miami Friday afternoon where we paid for an “expedited inspection”.  From there we can get it on trucks and in distribution centers all over the country by Monday.  Am I talking about cocaine or coffee?

Hitman – Contractor
In business you sometimes needs people to do certain jobs for you, but you don’t need them regularly.  Why pay for the insurance and benefits when you only use the guy for a few hours a year?  Pay him as a contract employee, with this as well you can take offers for the business.  Be careful about taking the lowest bidder, sometimes you get sloppy work.

Pirate – Salvation Army
Somalia is already one of the world’s largest charities.  Where else can you have a national government that only has control of their government building in the capital, and nowhere else?  Outside of the capital it’s basically and African tribal nation with access to boats and military weapons.  So we’ve got the army part.  And what do those people do?  They get their resources from those of us more fortunate than them.  Salvation Army!  It’s true the STEAL it but that is merely a technicality.

Slave Trader – Recruiter
Whether you know it or not, the business of slaves is still big all over the world, especially and third world countries.  Human trafficking needs people that can round up healthy individuals for good “character building” work.  You of course have your choice of many potential people, but there is only room for a few.  As a recruiter, the slave trader must evaluate the proper skills to fit the position.  It’s hard work, but somebody has to do it.

Money Launderer – Swiss Banker
Plain and simple, if you need to make money “disappear” who do you call?

Mob Boss – LLC President
You’re rich, you role in high social circles with politicians, and no one in the middle class knows or understands what you do for a living.  All you have to do is start an LLC, or limited liability company.  You don’t have to publicly disclose your business dealings, so you can merely lie to people who ask how much you make.  It’s the perfect front to you illegal doings.  When people ask how you were able to make enough to donate a new wing to the hospital all you have to say is “Weakonomics Holdings LLC had some profitable sales of assets over the last year” which is code for, “we sold 10 tons of coke, employ 1500 prostitutes, and the assassination business is booming.”  It’s no wonder so many mortgage brokers, retailers, and contractors operate as LLCs.

As always with lists like this, I’m opening up the floor to the readers to make additions.

By The Weakonomist

The Weakonomist is the founder of Weakonomics. Clicking the picture of the puppy will tell you more about him. If you like what you're reading consider subscribing to the blog, following him on Twitter, and checking out the related posts below. Please consider a donation if you really enjoy Weakonomics.

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