With all the bad news going on since, oh about January of this year, I thought we’d change the subject for a few days over Christmas. The news is slow anyway. Today is 7 men’s styles that simply kill me. I laugh at people that follow these. If you follow them, I’ll laugh at you too. But since I know I’m not perfect, I’ll make fun of myself tomorrow and the next day.
On a fundamental level, I’m against styles and fashions under all circumstances. I hate ties, don’t understand why there is such a thing as a $1,000 dress shoe that isn’t comfortable, and there isn’t a dress jacket on the planet that gives me a full range of motion. Women have it worse, but a woman I am not. If you are, feel free to submit your list and I’ll publish it.
Cuff Links
AKA Expensive Buttons. The normal dress shirt includes an entirely appropriate button to hold the cuff together. It is appropriate because it can be undone, and the sleeve rolled up. Rolling the sleeves with cuff links means you must remove them. The links are merely a way for an uncreative individual to fake the presence of style and sophistication. The “kissing cuff” (pictured) is the most common style; it is more inconvenient than a traditional rolled cuff with buttons because it sticks out. Yes it can knock over drinks. Cuffs can cost anywhere from $10 to $100,000, depending on the bling factor. Sure you can get a Transformers or Star Wars link, but the true geek doesn’t dwell in the realm in excessive style. The wearer of cuff links is pretending to be cool and stylish, sadly the world is full of these pretenders.
More Than Two Pieces of Gold Jewelry
That guy above and Mr. T excluded, no self respecting male should be wearing more than 2 pieces of gold at any time. The gold chain is the most painful to view on a man, but then again gold bracelets just scream “I sell cars!”. If a man wants to show he has money to spare, he needs to bling his lady or buy an expensive watch. You can be like my dad and wear a ring from his alma mater/employer and a wedding ring. Yellow gold is meant to grab attention, where as silver metals are much more understated. Don’t be like the guy I have to ride an elevator with that has a bright gold watch, gold bracelet, and three gold rings. Oh, he wears cuff links too.
The Three Piece Suit
Another attempt to look cool at the expense of dignity. The 3 piece includes a vest that usually directly matches the fabric and style of the jacket and pants. It’s a classic style that throws back to the days of when Americans were fighting Tories. Nowadays, you risk looking like a D-Bag. The vest these days allows the wearer to avoid having to button the jacket to hide their gut. The only people that can pull this off are old money tools from across the pond, like this guy. All other wearers were duped by the guys at S&K into throwing away an extra $90 on a suit.
Sport Coats With More Than 3 Buttons
I have a tough enough time with a jacket with more than two, but I draw the line at three. When you have four buttons, you are making a fashion statement with your suit. Suits are supposed to make us all look the same and generic, thats why women make us wear them. The idea of a suit that stands out is simply ridiculous. With everything buttoned up, the user is trying to hide the enormous amount of white that is protruding from their dress shirt. This is usually the result of being fat. I’m sorry guy, we can still tell you’re fat. Unless you tower over 6’5″, stick to the twos and threes because you have nothing to cover up. I prefer what I’ve come to call “the Jay Leno” look. Two buttons, top fastened.
Double Breasted Jackets
I thought these horrible things were gone, but they appear to be making a comeback. As if the sleeves of a jacket aren’t covered with enough useless buttons, the double breasted is usually packing an extra five or six on the front. The double breast is appropriate for coats and styles that can be buttoned up to the neck. The extra material adds bulk and warmth. Sadly, the double breasted sport coat covers no more body than a regular jacket. Moreover, because of the style, you can’t really wear the jacket with the buttons undone, too much material flapping around.
Side Vented Jackets
This is the newest member of my collection of bad men’s styles. Once again it’s a beef with jackets. Side vented jackets have made a recent resurgence in popularity among American men. I find this odd considering the style is meant for smaller people only. Imagine if you will a moderately overweight male with a round rump. Because the fabric is split at the sides instead of the back, you are left with what looks like a sheet covering a big butt. The effect is a larger butt. Traditionally, we men would like to hide this. With a split in line with the crease of the buttocks, the fabric is able to flow over like a curtain, covering your roundness. You big butted folks just don’t get it though, and because it is again in style, you get to look like you have a tail.
Ties With Jeans
Finally, we have a look I blame Hollywood and Express for trying to bring back. 100 years ago, the only people that wore jeans wore poor folks. 20 years ago, we all wore jeans for comfort. Now, wearing jeans is a fashion statement, and for some reason some think it’s okay to pay $300 for some denim. But it’s the tie that comes with the jeans that kills me. Am I a businessman? No. Am I going to church? No. Am I making an embarrassing attempt to be trendy because I want to pretend I live in NYC or LA instead of my small town you haven’t heard of? DING! The only place you wouldn’t get laughed at dressing like this is in those towns. And of course the people that dress like that in LA and NYC are fundamental wastes of skin and their parents’ money.
Maybe some of these styles are acceptable where you come from. That however just means, where you come from is an awful place. Don’t worry, in the next two days I’ll make fun of myself.
 By The Weakonomist |
The Weakonomist is the founder of Weakonomics. Clicking the picture of the puppy will tell you more about him. If you like what you're reading consider subscribing to the blog, following him on Twitter, and checking out the related posts below. Please consider a donation if you really enjoy Weakonomics. Also keep in mind that nothing I say can be construed as financial advice. |
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