If I can ever give up cable one of the shows I’ll miss most is Cops.  Sure it comes on Fox once a week but other stations play multiple episodes daily; I can’t get enough of it.  Aside from the “That’s not mine, I don’t know how it got there” moments my favorite segments deal with the serious crack-heads.  The best crack-heads are the women.  These often single moms are an inspiration to us all.  Not only do they persevere despite never keeping a job for 3 weeks, they also remind you of how great your own life is.  On a recent episode a curly blond explained her crack addiction was the result of losing her job.  When questioned if in fact losing her job was a result of crack addiction, she responded, “maybe”.  Reversing the polarity of her thinking inspired me to do the same.  After several seconds of meditation, I learned 5 things crack-heads can teach us about money.

#5  Make your money work for you, not work for your money
Perhaps the holy grail of personal finance is to have your assets provide more income than your salary.  For example:  If I make $100k a year it would be great if my investments could too.  Of course your investments can come from many sources, and social security can be considered an investment, though not a good one.  Crack-heads know this and take advantage of many programs to provide fixed income with no physical effort.  Welfare, food stamps, charity, these are all great sources of income.  ”Get more from the government than you give them” they might say.  In fact many probably don’t bother paying taxes at all.  I should hire them as a tax consultant!  Some can forget working at all, just take advantage of those government programs that crazy guy in the “?? suit” talks about.  This gives you more time to stay at home and work on your “aroma therapy hobby”.

#4  More work yields more money
Some choose the opposite route and do whatever they can to increase their income.  Dave Ramsey is the first to advise its easier to increase your income than limit your spending.  On top of his successful debt management system, Mr. Ramsey often speaks of getting a second job.  Delivering pizza is a favorite example.  The big advantage has to do with the timing.  I work a standard 9-5, and could deliver pizzas from 5-10 to make some extra cash if I needed to.  Well there’s another service the 9-5ers seem fond of when they get off work and crack-heads have shown a talent for.  I’m of course talking about prostitution.  Now many of us may frown upon the trade, but Cops has taught me prostitution and crack-heads go together like sub-prime loans and mortgage brokers.  Crack-heads know that every new client they help realize the American dream for will line their pockets with the good stuff and add to their much needed bottom line.  Now perhaps prostitution isn’t for you.  That’s OK, but there are plenty of other night jobs you could take up to supplement your income.

#3  Crack-heads aren’t embarrassed to do what’s needed for money
The year was 2007, and I was finishing up college.  Despite some great interviews and hopeful leads, I was graduating with no job to speak of.  I knew I was good and smart.  But no one seemed to see it.  I partially blame myself for being picky, but mostly I blame my school’s terrible career services group.  Its hard for a recruiter to want to hire people from your school when the career services director is pissed off at the entire world.  Anyway, having been fed the notion that companies will be throwing offers at me left and right there was no way I was going to settle.  My 4.0 in finance and 3.5 GPA overall told me I was better than a simple bank teller.  I wasn’t.  In fact I was just a week away from applying for said position when I got lucky.  Only when I faced my humility did I land the great job I have now.  Well crack-heads don’t mind doing anything.  They’ll take a job doing whatever so long as there’s a paycheck.  In a tough job market like today, its important to acknowledge the low demand for workers and just find something to keep the income stream going.  

#2  There are many luxuries we can go without
Sometimes we’re lucky enough on Cops to see the inside of a crack-head’s house.  Is there furniture?  Sometimes.  TV?  Maybe.  Excess wasted goods?  Never.  These folks are masters of efficiency.  Their commitment to cutting expenses is so strong, they often keep from feeding themselves normal meals.  No cell phone, no internet, no TV, no washer/dryer, hardly ever even bother with a car; these are all luxuries we’ve come to treat as necessities like food and shelter.  Phone books provide quite a bit of quality toilet paper and if all your friends are losers like you there’s no point in investing in a vacuum cleaner either.  You’ll also never see a crack-head pay more than they have to for rent.  We could all heed the wisdom of these toothless forward-thinkers.

#1  In a down market, its important to invest in tangible assets
In recent weeks, talks of an official bear market have hit the blogosphere.  This would mean one of the market indexes had plunged 20% from its high.  The Dow accomplished this feat, and we may see other markets follow suit.  When oil is playing with $150 a barrel and the dollar competing with a piece of Charmin in value and use, its important to diversify out of domestic stocks and bonds.  Naturally many hedge funds moved assets to commodities, often in the form of tangible assets.  Now they aren’t taking delivery of gold, oil, and corn, but maybe they should.  It’s high time we all look for new tangible investments, something with high demand in uncertain times.  Normally I would suggest alcohol, as we all tend to drink more when having a bad day.  But that value has already been lost by investors with similar thought processes.  Crack-heads have known for years that the best investment for a down market is crack.  Great news for you tax fearful, since crack is illegal to posses and distribute, all that capital appreciation is tax free growth!  Disciplined hedge fund managers will be smart enough to not smoke the entire investment though, thus separating them from the crack-heads.

Since there is always “that guy” who will send me an email telling me how this is terrible advice, I’m going ahead and putting down here that this is a joke.  I don’t think its a good idea to sell your body for crack, nor do I have an official stance on prostitution.  It is illegal in most of the world and therefore a bad idea.  Dealing crack and other controlled substances is against the law and will get you in prison pretty fast.  This post was not meant to advise illegal acts for financial gain and any fool dumb enough to do so isn’t smart enough to read a personal finance blog.  Those smart enough to read a personal finance blog are smart enough to read between the lines and pick out the humor from the actual advice.  There you go “that guy”.  If you email me something along these lines I will post it on my blog and make fun of you.

Related posts:

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2. How to Teach Personal Finance to College Kids
3. The Easiest Money You’ll Ever Make
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